The Drunken Uchiha Incident
by Astarael's Get
Summary: Tei is grounded, so she goes out and gets drunk with Team Hebi of all people. She and Rei bring them back to the hideout. Leader is NOT pleased. Warning: contains OCs, a VERY drunk Sasuke, Karin-bashing and Hidan's dirty, dirty mouth.
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, this one was a while in the making but it's also going to be quite long, what with all the Sasuke-drunkenness and Karin-bashing and Uchiha Issues and stuff. Well. Time for a history lesson. This is in fact the first chapter of a story I have written where Lady Lilliana (my CRAZEH sister and partner in crime -ahem- partner in fandom) was actually present for some of the writing. Oh yeah, check out her profile for more hilarity of this nature- the amount of stories shocks me. There's some more I wrote too (you can find them on my profile), but I can't remember which ones I've posted and which ones I'm still tweaking XP**

**Disclaimer of Doom: I don't own Naruto, blahdy blah blah, I'm poor, don't sue me, and if you steal my/our characters YOU WILL PAY. Tei is mine, Rei is Lady Lilliana's and Anno and Rimu (though they aren't in this chapter) as well as the Akatsuki Cave (Aka Humble Abode, Home Sweet Home, Orochimaru's Brick-Throwing Target and the A/C) are under our joint ownership.**

**...Man, that was a long sentence. ****Now, kiddies, don't imitate anything you read in this story. You might, just -might-, die. ****Alcohol is bad for your health. So is smoking.**

**Health warnings over! Story time!**

* * *

There is a substance, more dangerous than any ninja. It can start wars, or stop them. It is powerful in such a way that feuds can be buried, animosity cast aside. 

This substance is called alcohol.

Man can indeed love his greatest enemy.

When he's drunk.

Hidan paused just as he was about to hammer on the bedroom door of a certain kunoichi. A certain kunoichi who had brutally attacked him last time he woke her up in the middle of the night.

It had taken him weeks to find all of his finger joints.

Hidan knocked, _gently_.

No answer.

He knocked again, a little _louder_.

Still no answer.

"She's not in there, you know," Rei said quietly from her bedroom doorway. Obviously, the two friends had rooms near each other, Hidan reminded himself. How could he forget something like that? Oh yes. Because he'd been avoiding the place for the last month. Since the _Hey-Let's-Send-Hidan-To-Wake-Tei-Up-At-Three-In-The-Morning-For-No-Real-Reason_ incident.

"Wait," he blinked. "She's _not even fucking there_?"

"Nope."

"Then where the _fucking hell_ is she?"

"She went out."

The wheels of Hidan's mind began to turn, something that didn't happen very often. "Wasn't she banned from leaving the hideout by Leader? Something to do with that fucking lemur she's always talking about getting?"

"Yes, but she never responded well to being grounded."

* * *

"…Why are we here again?"

"I don't care! Hey there, wanna dance?"

"Suigetsu…"

"Suigetsu, get back here. Juugo, sit down. Karin, let go of my arm, and the answer to your question is that there is a rumour that Akatsuki members frequent this club and the bar above."

The blonde at the bar watched the mini-conflict at the corner table with interest. She hadn't been to the club in some time, what with being grounded by Leader and all, and was suffering from mega-super-ultra-irritating-random-people syndrome. I'm not even sure that's a real syndrome, but with Tei, it doesn't have to make sense.

Sasuke looked up as the blonde kunoichi (who just happened to be dressed in her favourite recreational leathers) approached their table bearing a tray with several large glasses of unidentifiable alcohol. The bartender (a mad woman by the name of Esme who loved to frighten small children with the plank-and-nail from under the bar) was watching the blonde carefully. Sasuke hmm-ed, failing to notice Karin glaring daggers at the new arrival.

"I like turtles," Tei said brightly, thus confusing the males of Team Hebi and confirming Karin's theory that the newcomer was indeed a crazy dumb blonde (unbeknownst to Team Hebi, Tei was, in fact, in Kisame's count, Crazy Blonde #2). Tei set the tray down and sat down on the chair next to Sasuke, much to Karin's chagrin.

"Okay then…" Suigetsu raised an eyebrow. Tei grinned brightly and downed half a giganto-glass of the mystery drink. Team Hebi collectively smiled nervously; they'd been joined by a mad, dumb blonde with an alcohol addiction. Oh, hooray.

Tei continued to unnerve the evil quartet with her mad smile. "So, what do you like?"

"I don't really like anything, but I'll tell you what I hate- my brother."

"That's funny. I like your brother."

Silence reigned for several moments as Tei's comment sank in. Then several hands reached for weapons as Sasuke muttered, "You _what_?"

Realising her mistake, Tei pushed a large tankard towards the angry Uchiha. "Drink and be merry, my friend, for tomorrow… we dine in Hell!"

Fingers closed around weapon hilts. Tei, realising that again she had made a grave mistake, downed another giganto-glass of the suspicious brew. This seemed to somehow put Suigetsu, at least, at ease, and Sasuke took a sip of his drink, not realising that it was one of Tei's trademark concoctions.

Sasuke managed to haul himself back onto his chair in time to take another sip.

Six minutes later, Sasuke was so drunk he couldn't even see. Much to Karin's dismay, he and Tei were leaning against each other and having the most obscure conversation about emus.

The redheaded fangirl leaned over towards Sasuke, desperate to take control of the situation. "Sasuke, I think you've had a little too much to drink…"

"NO!" Tei pointed at Karin accusingly. "You did _NOT_ JUST SAY THAT!"

"…what?"

"One can NEVER have too much to drink!" Then, seemingly from nowhere, Tei produced a large keg of what seemed like beer (but was, in fact, another of Tei's madcap- not to mention illegal- concoctions) and slammed it down onto the table in front of Karin, effectively blocking her from view and trapping her hand in the process. Ignoring the redhead's yelp of pain and protest, Tei turned back to her new drinking buddy. "Now, where were we…? Ah yes. The average air velocity of an unladen swallow…"

It was at this moment that a certain purple-haired kunoichi in an incredibly tiny skirt and an even tinier top entered the bar, making a beeline straight for Tei.

* * *

**Dun dun dun dun... OH DEAR LORD! FLASHBACKS AHOY FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER!!**

**-hides under bed-**


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay, so I lied about the flashbacks. dodges various pot plants and rotten foods I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I've had exams! And school! But now it's summer and I never have to take GCSEs again. I do have to take A-levels next year though. cries**

**So, well, here is your incredibly long-awaited chapter of The Drunken Uchiha Incident. I wrote this in Physics class about two months ago, then I left it for a while and typed it up just now. I've changed some bits, and added some bits, and eaten some cake, and it's barely recognisable as what is in the notebook in front of me. Okay, that's a lie, but it's quite a bit different.**

**I'm really sorry to those who have waited so long for this chapter and thank you for bearing with me. Next one should be pretty soon because that's sat right in front of me as well DX  
**

**Disclaimer: As much as I want it, Naruto is not mine, nor are any characters from Naruto, prominently Sasuke and Itachi. If I owned Naruto... well, less boys would read it, for sure. Tei is mine huggles Tei plushie and Rei belongs to Lady Lilliana, who must be thanked for giving me a kick to get this up, while Anno and Rimu (still not in this chapter) belong to both of us, as does the A/C and Leader's _Gothic Throne_.  
**

**Blah blah blah, health warning, do _not _accept drink from Tei, do _not _go to Esme's bar, do _not _get blasted out of a cannon into a concrete wall, etc. **

**Away with the ridiculously long Author's Note and on with the fic!**

* * *

Uchiha Itachi hates a lot of things. He hates tennis. He hates being beaten at DDR. He hates squirrels (particularly RABID ones). He hates missing episodes of Fig and he especially hates sugar-free gum.

But, most of all, he hates people who give him no respect. And boy, are there a lot of those. I mean, he's an S-Class criminal for Kira's sake. You'd think one would get just the teensiest bit of respect for being a member of the most feared organisation in the ninja world...

...Wouldn't you?

Apparently not, because here he was, standing in his only regular clothes, a plain black shirt and jeans, in the middle of downtown _Akatsuki-Ville_. The name of the town had long since been forgotten by the residents- residents who were not particularly _adverse _to having a terrorist organisation based in their town. They rather liked it, actually. Many of them were very fond of the Akatsuki's quirks, such as eating door-to-door salesmen, stealing cookies, and leaving towers of liquor bottles on the pavement outside.

_-Ahem-_ So anyway, here was Itachi, finally noticing that he was getting _Looks _from the people around him. Well, he reasoned, this was the area with all the night clubs, and most of the people around him were drunk anyway...

He suddenly decided that he hated life, the world, and, most definitely, that certain blonde kunoichi that Leader had sent him to find. Oh, she was going to pay for this...

Maybe he could just kill her and tell Leader that she'd been mauled by _alien carrots_.

Maybe not.

Because while, no-one had seen hide or hair of that moron Telaki... lots of people had seen Itachi's most- and _least_, and _only_- favourite little brother, Sasuke.

Going into a club.

With three strange people, most likely connected to Orochimaru.

Cold heartless bastard Itachi may be. Uncaring older brother he is not. And Sasuke was _underage_. With _strange people_. Most likely connected to _Orochimaru_. In a _club_.

God forbid he be in Esme's.

_Shit_.

* * *

The underage Uchiha in question was, in fact, utterly inebriated and had made a new friend in his drunken stupor. He and Tei had managed to drink their way through a small fortune of alcohol and then had fallen unconscious on the table, drooling in little puddles.

Suigetsu downed his twenty-eighth shot and grinned at his new rival. She smirked, downing her twenty-ninth.

"You're going down," Rei placed the glass to the side and grabbed another.

"No way! But, hey, I've been meaning to ask," Suigetsu, likewise, reached for another glass. "What's with the, you know," he gestured towards her hair, "I mean, it's so... _purple_."

Sasuke and Tei both mumbled something against the table.

"What is it, Sasuke?" Karin said, concerned. She'd never seen someone drink so much in her life, let alone a teenage boy and some acidic beverage that burnt through any wood it touched (she'd come to the conclusion that people from Konoha had stomachs made of _steel_).

Sasuke raised his face from the table. "I shaid purple hair ish normal in Konoha."

"Thatsh right!" Tei flailed wildly with her arms before falling back onto the table.

Karin sniffed disapprovingly. "Just who are you anyway?"

Tei gestured wildly once more, finally managing to sit upright in her chair for a few precarious moments before toppling in Rei's lap. Rei, in turn, lifted her fellow Voodoo Sister's head adn placed in back on the table. "We're with them people..." Tei managed to say while this was happening, "Them people... them onesh that _begin with the A_!"

"You mean the Akatsuki?"

Tei grinned triumphantly. "Thatsh the _ONE_!"

Suigetsu reached for his sword. Karin growled and tried to move Sasuke away from the half-conscious blonde he was currently attached at the hip to. Juugo finished his carton of juice and reached for another.

"**_NO FIGHTING IN HERE_**!"

A random clubber flew over their heads, trailing blood from a huge gash across his smashed-in face. Esme returned to the bar, muttering darkly as she put away her favourite mace- it was big and spiky and made of a metal as yet undiscovered by man, probably the same metal that Leader's piercings were made of. Suigetsu wisely dropped his sword before the mad bartender could notice.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Karin hissed in a low voice, so as not to attract Esme's slightly crazed eye.

Rei replied amiably, downing another shot. "Well, I'm not really sure, but I think Telaki came to drink. She has been grounded for quite a while, you know. She may have succeeded. Looks like Sasuke did too."

Just then, a voice echoed across the club that made many hearts freeze in fear. "_MIYAKO REIKISHA! SUZUKA TELAKI!_"

Rei, however, merely put aside her forty-sixth shot glass and reached for another. "Itachi, please use your indoor voice inside the club. Esme doesn't enjoy commotions and she may try to maim you."

"I'll maim _her_," Itachi growled, ignoring the wary looks being sent his way by Suigetsu and the hateful ones from Karin. "Reikisha, keep your damn partner under _control_. She might not be underage, but Sasuke _is_. How did he even get in here? I'm going to _kill _that bloody bouncer!"

Rei cleared her throat, a smile tuggin at the corners of her lips. "Itachi, you do realize that Sasuke is right here, don't you?"

"...So?"

"You're acting far less like a brutal homicidal maniac and more like an overprotective older brother..."

"...I hate you, Reikisha," Itachi slumped into the seat between Karin and Sasuke (eliciting a low growl from the redhead) and let his head hit the table with a thud. This unfortunately woke Sasuke from his alcohol-induced slumber. He blinked thrice, staring at his brother.

The table held their breath.

Sasuke then threw his arms around Itachi's middle and positively beamed, drunkenly happy. "Itachi-niichan! I mished you!"

A beat.

Two beats.

Then, several things happened at once.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" That was Suigetsu.

"WHAT DID YOU FEED HIM?! _I'LL KILL YOU TELAKI_!" Itachi's hands clawed for Tei's neck.

"Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah?" Tei raised her tankard defensively, too drunk to realise that he could reach around it- just about.

"_HANDS OFF MY WIFE, YOU DAMN WEASEL_!" Rei smacked Itachi round the head with one of the wooden trays that had carried her shots. He fell to the floor, dragging Sasuke with him, as the younger Uchiha was still clinging happily to his middle.

"Sasuke, what are you saying?!" Karin yelped, and something fell out of her bag...

And through it all, Juugo sipped his juice, an amused look on his face.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the hideout...

Leader sat in his gothic throne, thinking. A dark aura surrounded him as he pondered the meaning of the reason the seamstress had offered him for the ridiculously small amount of clothing she was wearing. "_My face_?"


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm baack. Feel free to hurt me. Anywho, today is the celebrated anniversary of the birth of my most amazing sister, Lady Lilliana. _LOVE HER! GIVE HER CAKE! GIVE HER EVERYTHING YOU OWN! _Me, I have but this paltry offering of a few updates... I'm a failure as a sister TTTT Oh well. Over the next few days, I'm look to update all of my stories and maybe add a few of my awaiting ones. Like the one with Tobi and the puppy. That story is _LOVE_  
**

**Oh! Also, I have amazing news! I have received my VERY FIRST FLAME! Aren't you proud of me? Aren't you? Today I am a _woman_! _Not that I'm not a woman every other day, but still..._ It's just so _amazing _that this flamer didn't read the genre that says HUMOR (or HUMOUR if you're British like me ), meaning I'm mocking the very foundations of the universe in my own, unique and special way! Gosh! What a _conundrum_! Also, I love flames. I really do. But I love _constructive criticism_ more. Also, what does "" mean? ??  
**

**I really can't be bothered to type out disclaimers and health warnings right now, so refer to the last chapter if you want to see them. However, I will say that I don't really care about the Naruto plotline in relation to these fics, so if you're gonna nag me about Itachi spoiler censored and Sasuke spoiler censored along with Tobi spoiler censored then you can go and eat your own face. That is all.  
**

**Now, on with the shamefully short chapter!  
**

* * *

Thud.

Sasuke groaned and rolled over. It felt like someone was tap-dancing in fluorescent pink stillettoes on his skull while force feeding him an ice cream sundae the size of Konoha. Or to phrase it another way- the younger Uchiha had the hangover of the century.

Thud.

Suigetsu sat up slowly, clutching his stomach, which felt like leeches had got in it again.

Thud.

Karin continued to snore into the puddle of her drool that had collected under her face over the last sixteen hours of her unconsciousness. Periodically, she inhaled some and rolled over in a violent coughing fit before settling peacefully bck into her saliva.

Thud.

Juugo yawned happily, being the only member of Team Hebi who did not have a pounding headache or copious amounts of various drugs swishing around their body. Unlike his teammates, he'd actually managed to have a good night's sleep, and was ready to face the day!

Thud.

Finally Sasuke dragged himself out of the bed he couldn't remember getting into and threw open the door he couldn't remember walking through. "KEEP IT down..."

He trailed off, his mouth hanging open rather unattractively. The sight before him was odd, so very odd that he half expected to wake up in a moment and find that it had all been a dream. Well, he hoped, knowing that no matter how hard he wished, things like this never went away.

The first thing he'd seen was Itachi. The elder Uchiha was wearing standard ninja gear and standing next to a table. This was strange in itself, as Sasuke knew that Itachi loathed standard ninja gear with the intensity of a thousand suns. He hadn't known Itachi even _owned _any plain black trousers. Itachi's fist was on the table- it seemed he'd been punctuating whatever he was saying by slamming his fist onto the wooden surface. This was where the thudding sound had apparently originated.

Sat in front of himwere the two women from the previous night whose names he couldn't remember. The blonde was clad in pyjamas decorated with pigeons and appeared to be asleep, her head lolling back. The pigeon perched on her face had to keep flying up into the air and landing again as she snorted and snuffled in her sleep. The purple-haired woman was pristine in an Akatsuki uniform... and just so _stylish_!

Hold on one second here.

Itachi?!

Akatsuki?!

The stronghold of the enemy!

And here he was, with the world's largest hangover and second-hand pyjamas that he couldn't remember changing into.

Sasuke didn't even have time (or the strength) to react as Itachi grabbed his arm...

...shoved him into a chair and began lecturing him on his irresponsibility.

"What were you _thinking_!? Going into a club and getting drunk! You're underage! Not to mention you were in Esme's, where you're more likely to be taken adavantage of than anywhere else! I mean, that's where Orochimaru used to drink until he was permanently banned for trying to feel up one of Esme's eight husbands, for crying out loud! And the fact that the redhead had date rape drugs in her bad... you're lucky Rei got to them first! Not that what's-her-face would have needed to use them after you accepted alcohol from Tei! Seriously! The amount of that crap that you drank would have killed anyone else!"

The blonde stirred at the sound of her name. "Wassat? Didja say sumfink Itachan?"

Sasuke couldn't help but notice Itachi turn slightly pink with rage at the nickname, before the older Uchiha smacked Tei round the head with the seat of one of the chairs. "Wake _up_, damnit, woman! Why are you always so _difficult_!?"

"Don't you dare insult my wife, biatch!" the stylish woman proceeded to snatch the chair seat from Itachi's hands and hurl it out the open window. "Eat, my Hawktopus! Eat!"

Sasuke couldn't actually see out of the window, but he heard a frantic flapping, a wooden crunch and some sort of splashdown.

The young ninja was spared another bout of lecturing from his homicidal psychopath of a brother as a thoroughly harrassed-looking blonde shemale burst into the room, hair a mess and clothing rather ruffled. "Itachi, Rei, I can't believe you two!" he wailed, waving his arms in a rather distressed manner.

The accused looked over at s/he. Rei smiled innocently with an undertone of 'evil psychotic bitch'. "Why, whatever do you mean, Deidara?"

"I hate you both! Sending me off to the red light district looking for that drunken fool"-he paused in his flustered ranting and wild gesticulations to point accusingly at the once again slumbering drunk-"And I got mobbed by women- and men- men who couldn't tell I was a man- and some who COULD!"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow as Deidara (now known to be a man) dissolved into girlish sobs and fled the room. How peculiar.

So, to the task at hand- trying to put it all together in his mind. A stylish kunoichi named Reikisha, Tei the 'drunken fool' who he could vaguely recall accepting a drink from, an emotional shemale named Deidara and some kind of mutant aquatic bird that ate chairs. Sasuke felt his headache begin to slowly but surely worsen for every moment he tried to understand the situation he was in.

Not forgetting his insane homicidal maniac brother who was suddenly acting like a concerned and overprotective parent.

...Today was going to be a long day.

* * *

**Next time, on the Drunken Uchiha Incident! Sasuke goes on a tour of the A/C! Suigetsu runs into Kisame! Karin contnues to drool! And Juugo meets the Hawktopus! Stay tuned for another pointlessly and ridiculously late update! Doooooooon't touch that remote!  
**


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